It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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