My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
