my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
