I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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