her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
