he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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