I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
