the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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