they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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