I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
