I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
