im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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