How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
