my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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