I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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