So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
