my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
