There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
