If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
There's even glitter on my cock...
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