What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
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Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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