Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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