Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
