She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have fence marks all over my body
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
