I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
