Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
