You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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