I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize