I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
