I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
