I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
