can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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