I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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