My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
