I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
