Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
