Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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