i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
