I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
