i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.