You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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