I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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