Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm passing your future prison.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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