I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Floor bacon is actually really good
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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