You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
