im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
