How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
