Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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