Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize