the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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