Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
