The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
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I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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