You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
