I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
