one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
