these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize