he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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